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| Subject: | Lost |
| Time: | 9:17 pm. |
| Mood: |  blank. | | Music: | Juggalo Anthem - Blaze. |
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So basically.
im frusterated.
so completely frusterated with myself.
and my life.
i know that everything lies in my hands and that i have the power to change anything i want.
but i have no clue where to start.
my life is stuck.
its on some kind of pause then rewind.
play.
pause.
rewind.
pause.
play.
pause.
fast forward.
rewind.
rewind.
rewind.
im stuck in neutral.
i need help with this.
but i dont know where to look.
anthony has his own set of issues.
some are his.
some are mine.
some are ours.
but he isnt in a position to help me right now, because like me, he can't help himself.
rawr.
i started to talk to ashley again. i have to admit, im really excited about it. sliding back into being friends. im not gonna jump into anything, or hope for the bestest inseperableness that we shared before.
but im happy. and all i can do is take it one step at a time.
my mom is M.I.A. again.
again & again.
shes been talking to my sisters. my dad even.
but wont return my calls. its hurting.
a lot. but there isnt much i can do but accept it.
acceptance is the first step right?
nathan anthony and i are trying to get this job caretaking/managing these apartments in highland park.
free rent.
it should be cool. if we get it ya know?
it would be the best.
started playing softball again. it makes me happy. gives me something to look forward to during the week. plus, ive reconnected with a lot of girls i used to be real close with. my coach bill is super happy that im playing again, but carol is all sorts of pissed off cuz i didnt play last year. what can ya do? all i know, is that everything feels right when im on that field. a sense of peace. all the problems and concerns that i have disapear each time i lace up my cleats.
christina is tired.
& worn down.
but.
it cant rain all the time.
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Fuck.
Im tired.
But good.
Mostly.
Friday is 4 months for me & Jason.
But it's 4/20 too.
Which is seeming to be a bit more important. :(
oh well though right??
Eh. I bleached my hair.
It's all blonde & shit.
Today is the second day of my period. Not that anyone cares. But I forgot how much it sucks. SUUCCCKKKS.
o.O ksjdlkasd . durr.
Meow. Mix.
Theres something new.
& I like it.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, March 20th, 2007
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I'm back in town.
Back with Jason.
& back to being happy.
:)
Today's my moms birthday.
asdjkkl;asdl;askdl;skal;dka
& Me and Jason's 3 MONTH ANNIVERSARY
Fuckers.
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Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
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laksjdlkasjdlak.
yup.
Jason and I have been constantly fighting for about the last 2 weeks.
About Nici Dear.
Fake friends.
Drugs.
Money.
Homes.
Pregnancy.
I hate it.
All of it.
But tomorrow is our 2 month.
Longest relationship I've had for a while.
Devon & I broke up right before ours.
Brandon dumped me right after ours.
Everyone else hasn't lasted.
Or I haven't lasted.
Hopefully it will this time.
I really do care about this boy.
This specialcrazyfuckedupamazing boy.
Rawr.
Been off of the dope for almost 2 weeks.
Almost.
But.
But.
But.
I want it.
I feel the need.
It's like somethings reaching for me.
And I can feel it's finger tips brushing my skin.
I know where I can get it.
I know how to get the cash.
I know how to get a bubble.
But do I really want to?
My last binge fucked me up.
Changed me.
So incredibly much.
But the high is amazing.
& It lasts for days.
I don't have to feel a thing.
I don't have to think.
I don't have to remember.
I can just float.
And clean. :D
Like I usually do when I'm geeked out.
The ONLY problem is.
I made some promises... and when I'm crashing, I feel real alone.
Tim & I started talking again.
Bout getting an apartment in Circle Pines.
Splitting rent.
That sort of thing.
It should be nice.
But I need another job.
Fuck.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, February 8th, 2007
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i absolutely adore this boy.
<33
life has been hard.
couch hopping.
introduced to dope.
smoking shit.
5 day benders.
old drama.
new friends.
every day something new happens and i just dont know how to react.
j00.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, January 12th, 2007
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ASKDJKLASJDLKASJDKLAJ.
life lately has been fucked as hell.
too much drama.
not enough bud.
i turned 18.
:o)
not that you care or anything.
<33
im with jason too.
^.^ <33
eek. most rumors any of you have heard are NOT true.
fo sho.
MCL.
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Friday, December 1st, 2006
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So.
I found out that COB is gonna be here in December. SHIT.
it is december.
>.< fuck the snow man.
for realsies.
but yeah. i found out today that i need 3/4 of a credit to graduate. so i have like 2-3 weeks left. WOOO
i love the WBLALC. <3
i got to smoke outta mikeys water bong today again. i love that thing. its so great, haha.
and its nice having your own bud. cuz then people gotta ASK you "hey can i hit that??"
wahaha.
oh yeah.
chuckies got drill this weekend. and im babysitting tomorrow. and its so cold.
i dont really feel like doing anything tonight. i think im just gonna go take a long hot bath and relax.... everything is good right now. everything is getting awesome. its falling into place...
& im gonna get mine.
:)
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Monday, November 27th, 2006
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SOOOOO.
i havent been around. much. at all.
but heres whats new!
i was dating devon.
now im not.
i was pregnant.
now im not.
i was unhappy.
now im not.
i was a loner and shit.
now im not.
life is great.
rollin the BR is great.
the TCT are great.
SUPER FUCKING GREAT.
*high five*
douche bag.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
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Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
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i was sitting in my room today.
smoking. and drinking some ginger ale with a tiny bit of soco in it...
and i realized...
that iVE BEEN DOING IT ALL WRONG!
hayahahaha. fuck the world man.
im getting a cat.
and i have a new boyfriend.
and you all can STFU.
<333
except for sam.
and tim.
and michelle.
yep.
:D
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life is a bit queer.
but it could be queerer.
i went over to Tylers last night.
smoked.
a bunch.
<3
god damn. we watched the outerlimits, and damn that shit got trippy. then Tyler kept handing me his glass of vodka & coke and i got a buzz.
it was fun.
a lot.
of.
fun.
i think i may be a diabetic though.
no jesus camp for me. my grandma spent too much money. hahahaha dumb BITCH.
oh well.
Life is grand
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, July 27th, 2006
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sometimes... when im feeling a bit fucked up, and dont have any ciggarettes or weed.. and im putting myself down..i think to myself...
welll DAMN.
at least im not a fucked up EMOBITCHCUNT.
then i giggle a bit and life is grand.
WABWAHABABAHWAHAHAHAHA. <3
fuck you.
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no boyfriend.
nicotine addict.
new piercing.
new friends.
new girlfriend. (sorta)
not home. (sorta)
sotu next weekend. :}
oh yeah... i fucking hate you.
my grandma is forcing me to go to jesus camp next week.
i refuse to celebrate false gods.
when hell is full the dead will walk the earth
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newboyfriend.
zach.
zoo.
ciggarettes.
snuggle.
<3
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so this is life.
its lame.
and gay.
and fucked up.
im WAY fucked up.
like i dont even understand myself anymore.. whatev.
last couple of days have been super mostly... im pissed that mike hatch got the DFL endorsement though. that was fucked up too.
asdkjal
whatev.
i smoked opium with shana.
that shit was amazing.
<3 drugs.
anyway.
lost the boyfriend.
*shrugs*
whatever. im tired of people.
they talk to much shit and are fucked up.
FUCK
straight up fags.
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1. i got my nipples pierced.
2. i got a new boyfriend.
3. i bought an eighth.
life is good.
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so.. im sitting here. all pissed off and shit cuz i fucked up my life. well maybe not my life but i can't stand being unhappy.
askdaslkdja
yeah. hung out with sam on friday.
smoked.
played at the part.
smoked.
ate pizza.
smoked.
hung out with sam on saturday.
smoked.
smoked.
smoked.
ate.
hung out.
picked up josh.
called around for some lines.
everyones dry.
got pissed off.
got asked out.
shot another guy down.
when will they learn.
that im not looking.
to be fucked over.
again.
and.
again.
and.
again.
the only one i want is ben.
and im busy working to regain his trust back.
crashing.
is.
lame.
my dad is out of town.
my dad is out of town.
my dad is out of town.
my grandma is completely clueless.
my grandma is completely clueless.
my grandma is completely clueless.
my pupils are fucking dialated.
my pupils are fucking dialated.
my pupils are fucking dialated.
i have to much homework.
i have to much homework.
i have to much homework.
and all of this.
makes me want to intoxicate myself to the point of numbness.
i want to be taken care of.
i want to be able to trust.
i want to rely on someone.
i want to find real love.
i want to get high.
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Antti & Sherry
Robby & Krystle
Eric & The Ugly Prom Girl
Brandon & Baily Jo (wtf kinda name is that)
left again.
for another girl.
who won't accomplish anything.
close to what i could ever have done.
but where i fail to see here.
is how this is my fault.
cuz every time i try
it smashes me in.
my face.
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Christina Lutz
WRITING 131
5/10/06
Blackfoot Girls
It was a twenty eight hour train ride from Saint Paul to Glacier Park, Montana. And boy could you feel it, crammed in a small seat, listening to the chatter of younger and annoying teenagers and stale food. What more could a girl ask for? As I sat on the train, I thought about all the things I was expected to do once we reached the Blackfoot Nation.
I had heard stories from the older kids about mission trips. But this was my first one and I was excited. I was flying high for my King in the sky. I was going to touch lives and make huge differences in the way these people lived. I was going to be remembered! Little did I know that I would be overwhelmed by poverty, instead of the welcoming smiles of the Native Americans.
We arrived at our host church around 1:30 in the morning. All I wanted to do was take a hot shower, stretch out on a nice bed and fall asleep. Turned out, the showers I had imagined were sinks with dish soap. And those nice comfortable beds? Cool, tiled floor is what awaited my sleeping bag and I. Not to mention that we were sleeping in the toddler room surrounded my slightly creepy looking toys. After a sorry attempt at washing my frizzy hair in a small rust-stained sink, I collapsed onto my sleeping bag and dreamt of home.
I awoke the next morning, seven o’clock sharp, to the sound of an all too cheerful cell phone alarm. The girls were up first and to choose breakfast, which was assorted doughnuts and juice. We sat around, enveloped in the silence of the morning and listened to directions and the do’s and don’t of the van ride into the Blackfoot Reservation. Immediately, it seems an entire new rule system had been set in place for us. A whole new look at the definitions of uncomfortable and shock. Don’t look older people in the eyes, no taking pictures without permission, don’t ask too many questions and above all else, don’t flaunt your “whiteness”. Whiteness being the fact that were white, we had money and we were above them. You think it would be easy enough to remain respectful and inoffensive but it turned out to be one of the greatest challenges on the entire trip. My excitement began to slip into a state of dreading, as I watched the blue Montana sky above me.
When we arrived, our church was joined by two other youth groups, a Presbyterian church from Nebraska and another Lutheran church from Washington. All of us came together to serve God and learn to serve each other. So naturally, we were separated from our best friends and thrown into a ring of fire along with 6 -10 other teenagers and chaperones. We sat down on a carpeted (barely) floor, and listened to the director of Youthworks as she explained our assignments. I was to begin working with the local children in a Christian based program called “Kid’s Club”. The goal of “Kid’s Club” was not only to keep the Native children busy and out of trouble, but to teach them about God, love and hope. Kids! This was exactly what I was looking for, small children looking up to me in awe and admiration. Maybe I could handle this after all...
The next morning I woke up, in a soft bed, with all the hope and excitement I had first left the Twin Cities with. After breakfast my group and I met in the commons room to discuss the rules and expectations of “Kid’s Club”. Safety was the only concern of Youthworks. As long as no one was getting hurt, we could continue doing anything you could imagine. The counselor, Heather, also decided to “warn” us about the children. The personal boundaries of the Native children were flirting closely with non- existent and there would an army of them outside waiting for us. I chuckled to myself, because I had grown up helping my aunt with her daycare. This was going to be a piece of cake.
Mobbed. That’s the only word to describe the exact moment I stepped into the cool Montana morning. Instantly, small hands were finding my own and children were leaping off of chairs and steps hoping to land on my back. I looked over at my newly found Nebraskan friend, Alex and noticed he suffered a similar affliction. Once all of us, Youthworks Volunteers, got outside I was left with a seven year old girl named Johnna, and her cousin who left shortly to play with “the big boys”. Johnna was incredibly thin, had long black hair and the biggest smile you could imagine. I spent the rest of the day learning about her father, abusive, her mother, the reservation slut, and her grandmother, her guardian angel. Johnna’s life changed the day that her grandmother passed away. Her grandmother was the cornerstone of the family and kept Johnna’s father sober, and her mother faithful. After her death, the family fell apart, leaving Johnna alone and helpless. She told me she understood her grandma was happy, and her parents would “get better soon”. Jump roping, beading and talking with Johnna is exactly what opened my eyes to the Blackfoot world.
The next day when I walked outside for “Kid’s Club”, I expected to see Johnna’s smiling face. Instead I got pulled into a fame of Ultimate Frisbee, started none other than Alex. An hour of being tackled, regardless if I was in possession of the Frisbee or not, flew by when a little boy I hadn’t met before tugged slightly on the sleeve of my shirt. I looked down at him, expecting a piggy back ride request or a water balloon to the face but instead he was pointing at something across the field. That something, I assumed was a sweatshirt or jacket left out by another counselor. I trudged over to find out whose it was. That something that had been pointed out to me, that something that I had found turned out to be someone. And that someone would end up changing my life.
As I slowly approached the “jacket” I become aware, that the jacket already took on the form of a body. A small body. I crouched down beside it, and saw that it was a little girl. She couldn’t have been older than five, and she was fast asleep in the center of a field. I sat down next to her, and leaned down and asked her quietly what her name was. The little girl looked up at me, with big brown eyes that seemed as though she could look into my soul, and she whispered, Raven. She crawled into my lap and fell back asleep.
As I stared down at Raven, I stared down at myself. This little girl was alone at a program that fought abandonment. She was lost, in a world where children should be found. I held Raven for what seemed like hours, and when she finally awoke, she smiled at me. I asked her about her family. Her family was my family, a grandma. Her parents were my parents, drug addicts. Raven was a spitting image of me, and I couldn’t help but want to take her home with me. We spent the next two days together, she found me instantly and we colored and made puppets. The smile that Raven flashed to everyone around her was bright and contagious. She told me simple things, she loved me, and I was her big sister. I told her about God’s love and about hope for a better future.
Johnna and Raven taught me more in four days, than anyone could learn in a lifetime. No matter what these two girls were faced with, no matter how many hard times swung their way, they kept tip toeing down the road of life. I had never seen such hope and courage in children before, and I doubt I will ever see anything quite like it again. While I was in Montana, spending 10 days on what seemed a different planet, I saw the face of Jesus Christ in the faces of little girls. I saw the sweat and dedication of my Lord, in the Youthworks volunteers, and at the end of the day, it was good.
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ballerinacorpse's journal
bitchy.
amused.
discontent.
exhausted.
devious.
giggly.
busy.
high.